August 07, 2015

In a nutshell,    

We're gonna get real for a second......

      One hears the terms wedding, marriage, and can use them interchangeably. We live in a world where one seems to not exist without the other. As a young girl, visions of what I'd look like on my wedding day were everything you'd want in a fairy tale. I wanted to be Kate Hudson from Bride Wars. No really, I wanted to be her. Big poofy dress and all. What girl wouldn't?

       February 12th 2015 is a day I'll always remember. I went to work, the salon, got bangs, came home, and the rest you all already know. We celebrated, we laughed, we cried. Then came the planning.

      In the last few decades the ideas behind the elusive dream wedding have become an achievable fantasy. Women are riding in on elephants, and spending 100K on cakes. Again, this is a most not all assumption. If you had a huge amazing wedding and really love your significant other, clearly you're an exception to everything I'm expressing and please do not feel I am singling you out. Some starry eyed lovers aren't as lucky.

      It almost seems we're spending more for it to last less. If you've turned on your television and been sucked into the world of Say Yes to the Dress you know exactly what I'm getting at. Women are shelling out thousands of dollars for the "perfect dress" to make them truly "feel like a bride." Terms I just don't understand, but we'll get to that more in a minute. According to these shows a wedding should outshine every other gal before you. Pre-engagement these things never bothered me. Yet now I find myself making a face when Randy asks these women their "budget."

      Joshua and I always knew we would inevitably end up here. Did I know it the day we met? The first time we kissed? Of course not. I did however know it the day he became Penelope's father. When he asked to marry me It felt right, perfect. I knew that was our next step together.

      Maybe I'm alone when I say I don't understand the phrase "to feel like a bride." To my knowledge a wedding is supposed to symbolize something you already committed to when you said yes; when that ring was placed on your finger. I'm fairly certain if we exchanged vows in the parking lot of where we work I'd "feel like a bride." Where on Earth did this idea come from that we need a dress that costs more than a car come from?

      Six months ago I didn't feel this way. Six months ago I wanted to look like Blair Waldorf and I'm not even kidding when I say I foraged the internet for a powder blue wedding dress for WEEKS. It wasn't until a few unfortunate life events took place that caused me to throw any and all wedding plans on the back burner and I'm not sure I'll ever be that giddy bride-to-be ever again. My idea about what a wedding stands for has simply changed. No. no. no. These "life events" had nothing to do with Joshua and I. In case you were worried about the direction this post was taking. Let's just call it a "fallout" with quite a few people in our life. Thankfully Joshua has been amazing through all of this. We could get married at a gas station and he'd still love me more than yesterday.

      Since February the questions haven't stopped. The "when are you getting married, what are your colors, did you find a dress" questions that feel like a knife each time someone asks me, because I just don't know. There's been far too many nights I've laid in bed, eyes glued to the ceiling sick over those very questions. The what I should do part of a wedding seems to be overshadowing what I want to do. It's all just been one giant exhausting thought process.

        If I'm being entirely honest with you, I'm terrified. Terrified I'll regret all of this in twenty years.  A "damned if you do, damned if you don't," feeling. It's like I'm a person split down the middle. A part of me feels like I need to have a wedding to have a marriage, to do what everyone else does. To wear the pretty dress and greet people at my reception I haven't seen in ten years. The other half wants happiness. She wants to avoid turning into a materialistic floral arrangement obsessed monster.

      Here friends, is where I need you. I need to hear your stories, your pain, your happiness, your kind words. Each and every one of you always seem to know the right things to say and for that I couldn't be more happy to have started this blog journey. You have no idea how even the smallest comment impacts my life. This has become such a safe haven for me on days when I'm feeling my best and worst. Thank you for coming back for the makeup part of me, the mommy part of me, and this part of me. You're beautiful. ♥

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