Change

March 23, 2015


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Ok guys, for the first time, in a long time, I'm speechless. I've typed and deleted this post about a dozen times because I can't seem to express my emotions through words. Part of me is screaming, "what's happening to me?!" Like some adolescent spider bitten teen mutating into a super hero. I mean, could that have been more poetic of a description? 

I've always feared change, because at times change leads to failure. I feared graduation, moving out, starting a family, and soon I'll fear walking down the isle. I say this in the best way I can, simply because not all change is bad. We should embrace change. 

I guess someone out there heard my plea. Heard me begging for some sort of sign that change is indeed ok. Without sounding like a total brat let me be real here. I was terrified for Penny to have a cousin. Terrified for the attention to suddenly be shared. Terrified of people comparing them. I know, I know, I sound horrible. But if you saw how spoiled this child was by our HUGE family, you'd understand. 

Not only was I being completely selfish, I wasn't allowing myself to be happy. I grew up with six cousins and loved every second of it. If I could go back 9 months ago and slap myself across the face, I would. 

Which brings us to last Tuesday, or as most people know it, St. Patrick's Day. For Joshua and I it will no longer be St. Patrick's Day, it will be the day our nephew was born. Visiting them in the hospital was surreal. I was shaking with nerves. You would've thought I'd never met Joshua's family before. We found the room full of familiar faces and took a first look at the newest bundle. He was perfect. The most beautiful baby boy I'd ever laid eyes on. I was so upset Penelope was missing this moment, but hospitals are no place for a one year old. Holding him was like I rewound the hands of time a year and tiny Penelope was in my arms again. I'm still convinced she was never that small. It was in that moment, and holding his tiny hand that I felt relief. They were both beautiful, they were both absolutely perfect. 


Yesterday was the first time Pen would meet her new baby cousin. On the way there visions of that viral video where the little boy flips his freshly born little brother, or the one where the kid smacks the new born, sped through my mind. All I could think was God, please don't let her slap this baby. 

When we arrived Joshua was the first to snatch him up. We took her towards him slowly, I was holding my breath waiting for the worst. I'd been showing her his photos all week. She would take my phone and kiss him and "talk" to his photos. When we lifted her up toward him, the biggest smile came across her face. To my surprise, she touched his cheeks very lightly then laid her head on his. The fact I was able to catch it on camera means the world to me. I'll remember this moment for the rest of my life. 


She spent the remaining parts of the evening bring him her toys and touching his feet and nose. Still very gentle and no slapping. Thank God. Seeing her smile at him, watching her touch his tiny feet made me realize change is never a bad thing. I was so naive to think this beautiful little baby boy would be anything but an extraordinary addition to our family. I hate admitting when I'm wrong, but this situation I take full responsibility. Because I love my nephew, and being apart of his life is an amazing thing. What was I thinking? How was I afraid of this?

I needed the reminder that change is a wonderful thing. That sometimes lessons are taught to us in the strangest ways, and that our hearts can always find more ways to love each other. 




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